Hee hee, photojournalist me

Well done. You've traveled widely I see. Sigh. Lucky chap. You wouldn't believe how incredibly envious I am at the moment. Probably one of those people whom everything they touches turns to gold (Sorry, I have the strangest habit to guilt trip anyone with good fortune - I find it shows them how fortunate they are so they actually realize it - not that I'm feeble and poor myself of course). Ah well, but I suppose I'm somewhat happy that some people are getting ahead in the world. Truly.

You know, when I started this page, it was going to be about travel, but I just didn't have time enough to put in all the effort that it would have taken. How does one, exactly, write about all of the places one has been to without taking due time and effort to make it representative, truthful and of high enough a standard to merit being put in the public eye? That was a problem for me, but it will happen as it is something I wish to do.

As for your point, I understand entirely. Since a very young age, I've been towed around the planet, firstly because of my father's former job, which at different times landed him in all sorts of interesting places, and secondly, because while he was able to, he pointedly took us to as many places as he could, while he could; my dad had a tough, penniless childhood on a council estate near Liverpool. It was, by all accounts, difficult, but he was bright, earned a scholarship to a University, landed a job, and decided that he would give my sister and I everything that he never had before times changed for the worse, as they have since the ASEAN economy crashed.

Sometimes I think that all I'd rather have had was a little more love and attention from him, but I do recognise that he put in a tremendous amount of time and effort to show us the world as it is, while he saw things for the first time, if at the expense of a little family happiness.

So, the guilt trip was not entirely successful, not because I lack feeling, but because I am acutely aware of how lucky I have been to see and do so much, so early on. And I also know that when it comes to pass that your life is more firmly placed in your own hands, as surely it will be, you're one person who is going to make the most of it. At risk of making presumptions about a person I don't really even know, I feel certain that you will do so; we're given power at different times in our lives.

Thank you. And I hope that your predictions will come true. But for the moment, I feel like I'm standing at a precipice, waiting either to be saved or to fall. My scholarship hangs in the balance at college as I cannot bring myself to keep my grades up due to emotional stress at home - which I have already tried my best to ignore, but it is a tedious task when both parents are trying to poison you against the other.

It has come to the point where I have seriously considered abandoning my scholarship altogether and simply leaving this place. Leaving my family and leaving my friends and leaving everyone, to abandon themselves to whatever path they would choose.

It's one of those times when you feel that you've been kicked in the stomach and all the air has left your body. And not in a good way. You want to scream, but your mouth won't open and you want to cry, but the tears refuse to come.

Life becomes an endless sense of waiting, of hoping, and for some, of praying. The feeling of frustration is so strong and so constant that you begin to feel numb to it, becoming incapable of doing anything other than being frustrated.

And so you lash out at friends, at strangers, at acquaintances. You realize that what you're doing is wrong, but you can't stop yourself. Release becomes all that matters. But it still seethes right below the surface... and the only thing you want to do, the only thing you know you shouldn't/can't/won't do is give up. Because if you give up, you have nothing left.

And so I stay on.

Right. I never knew that I had it in me to be such a drama queen. *drily* Perhaps I should be looking into acting classes. */drily*

But I suspect my current introspection comes from my current situation at home. I have decisions to make and very little time to make them in, and thus have become quiet and supposedly unlike myself. Perhaps if you do ever meet me in person you will not appreciate who you see, I am told that I'm not the easiest of people to deal with in real life.

However, I thank you for your kind words nonetheless. And whether you choose to believe it or not, reading your journal allows me to momentarily, if nothing else, focus my mind on things other than what I perceive to be 'problems' in my life. And also, it's always nice to hear someone say they believe in me, for I know that I, for one, am not immune to flattery - and I take it as such.

adieu.

Homespun idea: get lots of sleep, take a daily walk, and eat lots of bananas, and salmon and other oily fish (for the seratonin and dopamine to help regulate sleeping patterns and increase feelings of being relaxed and a general sense of well-being).

Of course, that's hardly getting to the root of what's happening, ksquare, but every little helps. Or are these ideas just too homespun, Stairs the Scientist?

Nay, David the Smiler, for you do speak true. I guess that it is all very well for either you are I to dispend advice, but the fact remains that there are always ways to try and cope with difficult situations; every little, no matter how trivial it may seem, can indeed help. I've certainly changed my diet in the past to alter how I feel, and I'm not talking binge eating. In certain respects, our bodies are predictable, so it makes sense that doing what you suggest should help, whether the benefits be physiological, psychosomatic, or a synergistic blend of the two.

K, being a drama queen extends to the tired situations where a person comes home from a club upset that no-one noticed either them or their new eyeshadow, not voicing a hurt that results from the hardships that any individual in your situation will inevitably face.

Family discord can be desperately affecting, even to those who think that they can sit aside and try to ignore a situation that doesn't directly involve them - insofar as the break up is between parent and parent, not parent and child - seeing ties, once thought unconditional, so harshly rended is not easy. What you feel, on the other hand, is entirely natural. But of course, you know that.

I can only be predictable in my response to you; do as David suggests, make a few personal changes if you are able, time for yourself and for your studies, but don't feel that you have to ignore the situation at home.

You are a part of your family, and you have a voice. Naturally, you know your parents better than any confidant could; telling them that it is affecting your work may change how they deal with their separation in front of you; that while it hurts to see them move apart, what they are doing is between them and that they have no right to lay their opinions of one-another on you. You're their child, never to be used as a weapon of emotional blackmail.

Sigh... I don't know what I would have done had I been in the same position as you are. As it stands, I was simply too young to know how best to act, so I watched, absorbed what I could, formed opinions and learned to see through some of the intricate methods of deceit that people use to hurt eachother with. Through the eyes of my innocence, it all seemed so very shallow, but I wasn't blind.

I'm studying in a creative line (3D animation & multimedia content development), so my state of being affects my work more profoundly than it would have otherwise. And recently I guess that a sense of frustration has turned into a sense of lethargy for me. I still have a few more weeks before the final product is due, so I'm biding my time and trying to work up my work ethic till then.

As for telling my parents about it, my father is no longer staying with us (having packed up and left - yet again), but my mother, as usual, needs a tremendous amount of emotional support, which is very draining - but without me, she has no one else to turn to. As of late I've been spending almost 4 hours a day talking to her.

I've tried doing the little things, cut my hair, gone out with friends. Anything to get my mind off the situation... but so far it's been useless and I can feel my deadlines creeping up on me inexorably like a B-grade movie monster, with me as the helpless blonde in the flimsy negligee. You're always running as fast as you can but it never seems fast enough.

But anyway, I believe that it is time to drop the subject. Your blog is supposed to be an escape from my woes, not a place for it's exhumation and dissection. And while I appreciate the concern and the advice, which I will take to heart, I apologize for turning your journal into a sounding board for my troubles. Hardly polite. :)

Do not worry, it probably sounds worse than it is. I will cope, as I always have. As the cliche says, you simple accept it and move on. And for now, I'm merely trying to move along. *shrug*

I'm as of yet sound of mind, if not sound of heart. It is only a matter of time before my heart catches up with my head. The only worry I truly have is if that if time runs out before it does. So as I have said before, it probably sounds worse than it is.

A little known fact about these comment boxes is that they're not entirely reliable; my lengthy response was submitted and promptly devoured, which is just tremendous.

In summary, it's not a problem; I have no agenda, so if people wish to express concerns of this kind here, then they are welcome to, and it is perfectly alright with me. I do try to respond, even when times are as busy as they are, both because it isn't healthy to fixate upon work constantly, and because sharing notes on opinions and life experiences can be worthwhile for all involved. So we'll drop it, but it doesn't have to be permanent.

Fortitude.

Forgot to say: congrats on getting your photo on the BBC website! That's great! :-)

Wow, it took awhile, but I now finally know someone famous ! In all honestly, I think its awesome to have a phote you took posted to the world. I'm sure the picture meant something to you, or you probably wouldn't have taken it.

By the way, when can I get your autograph? :)

I noticed I never did congratulate you Stairs. ;) Forgive the oversight. Congratulations. I'm happy for you. :)

This is, in its own way, kind of amusing; while I appreciate the sentiments, I actually don't think it's especially tough to get entries onto the BBC website :)

Apologies, incidentally, if I get a little remiss with regard to my attendance; work is heavy and I no longer have the luxury of procrastination, so I will be buried under piles of books for a bit. Have a good week.

Haha, don't read too much into this, but I was doing a series of pictures regarding mythical beings and the name that stuck in my head for this one was... umm... well, you can read. :) Click

Have a good week.