trust and love over cereal
This despite a slowly increasing awareness of an unintentional eroding away of my self esteem, not by anyone else, but by me. You see, I've always tended to trust my own convictions, the decisions I've made, and sometimes they've been wrong, but it helps that I can usually recognise where I went wrong in the first place. It's where the answers aren't so clear that things start to become difficult.
Like in love, for example, where the choices made don't only affect you, but someone else. Someone who you may think you know, but whose innermost feelings are forever their own because they won't let you see, or let you be seen. It's a hard thing to find an honest relationship, more mature and more free of the pettinesses of adolescence, where you aren't constantly shielded by your partner from things they mistakenly think you'd rather not know, or be better off not hearing, where you are forced to do the same though it goes against the very essence of your nature. Do I run the constant risk of hurting myself, and more importantly, others, in needing to find something so elusive?
I know it exists, because I've seen it, but it seems rare enough to be the stuff of fantasy. The exceptional. A conventional kind of ungodly divine.
In the last seven years, I've been blessed with the companionship of two men that I've loved dearly, but whom, though no real fault of their own, haven't been the ones. I couldn't conceivably make them understand because it seems illogical enough that a person, that I, should be treated like gold, be loved so deeply, and yet feel so completely unfulfilled that burning the hands that reach for me is all that I can do. But it is no small thing to see anger and resentment each and every time you try to open up.
I don't constantly yearn for happiness, because if there's one thing I'm sure of, mood swings, hormonal imbalance, bad days and awful cooking aside, it is that I am happy, in of myself. I just want to be able to be me without being made to feel guilty for it, and I do think it's possible, but there's every chance that selfishness clouds my thinking, and I'm starting to doubt myself. I'm used to trusting my instincts, and this increasing lack of certainty leaves me anything but comfortable.
And this is who you're dealing with.
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"Whir, whir" is the sound of a brain constantly thinking - working overtime, in fact. Such things happen in such situations, right? The unstoppable need to self-analyse, often going round in circles. But it's a comfortable place, as at least it allows you to feel that you're doing all you can to speeden things up. In reality, the amount of time spent thinking about matters probably won't make any difference to how long it takes, step-by-step, to 'recover'.
Your self-confidence, your self-esteem and, most relevant to this posting, your assuredness in your own convictions and in your decision-making abilities will return over time. It's normal to feel temporarily that you've lost these qualities, but don't worry - they'll be back! You've got strong foundations to rebuild on. You'll make it. Time will be your friend. :-)
*Sigh* I know exactly how you feel. In a way I feel like you have been listening in on my own personal thoughts.
Why is it, I wonder, that to be aware of one's own uncertainty and ambivalence makes one so much unhappier than to be unaware of same? Would that I could just remain unconscious.
Appeal it does, at least as rhetoric; we'd both say otherwise if actually given the chance to experience things on a narrower bandwidth.
Is that for love of pain, or love of life? Easily answered.
"For pain, for pain!" ;)