nonsense a.k.a. the Sperm Tree
Today's entry comes to you as an audio file (238 kb). Low bandwidth users will inevitably feel cheated at the long wait for a lot of nothing, so the text, pretty much as it's spoken, can be read if you click below (otherwise there's really no point).
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Today was an important day. Today, we discovered that there is a sperm tree growing outside our institute. This, you must realise, is a harrowing discovery, even for me, a raging poof, who according to stereotypes, is constantly wanting for sperm.
So what exactly is a sperm tree? Well, the terrible reality is that most of us just don't know. A quick search online, once you wade through the inevitable smut and low quality porno, will reveal that a number of trees fall into this category. That is, their fruits, or leaves, or flowers, by all accounts, and there's no nancying around here with with "almosts" and "just abouts" - these lovely bits of tree smell like Gism.
Now the position of king sperm tree is hotly contested, some say the Carob, Ceratonia siliqua, some say the tree of heaven, Ailanthus altissima, and indeed, these trees do smell like the end of the Universe, but none is quite so wretch worthy as the Chinese chestnut, Castanea molissima, whose inflorescences, to quote a particular botanical website, "produce a pungent, displeasing odor, like that of human semen."
Displeasing? Displeasing? Try eating your lunch downwind of one; displeasing is an understatement. Of course, it's bloody hilarious too - try dragging a supposedly innocent mind into line of smell and ask them to place the odour; they usually change colour... aha! Not so innocent after all.
I once discovered a sperm, or more accurately, semen orchid at a botanic garden; I dragged my mother over, asked her to take a sniff. She did so, paused, looked at me and said "Hem, yes..." Precious.
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crikey. There's one outside my house! not sure of its genus and species, but its malodiferousness is an assault when one is 50 yards from one's doorstep.
Do my ears deceive me? Or did I just listen to the wrong thing? :P
PS. Since I have the choice - Come All Ye Faithful
I thought I had an idea of what might have happened there, except that the html checks out and so I don't... try a refresh?
I'm not singing again; there isn't enough demand ;)
The audio clip I heard was definitely about the sperm tree, if that helps.
So does nature also produce ovary bushes, or am I just being daft?!!
[David] Daft, definitely :)
[Stairs] Sing again! Sing again!
The subject matter intrigues. I don't think I've ever encountered one. Yay for the tropics then!
Ok. It worked this time. ;) Can we have more audio posts please? And you should sing. There's plenty of demand, from me. And me. And, well, me!
I, and I'm positive Kendra would agree with me, wouldn't mind at all if you released another singing-mp3. You have a lovely voice.
And I have encountered a sperm tree! I thought it was just my homosexuality altering reality, but back at school at the corner where I'd always have to wait for traffic to subside before I could cross the street, I'd constantly be wrinkling my nose and thinking "Is that what I think I smell?" I'm not crazy! Yay!
I used to have one on my block back in Arizona. Nasty, Nasty smell.
Oh please sing. It was lovely.
Please allow me to be a silly American for a moment: OMIGOD, you sound just like Rupert Everett!!! Please come over to my flat immediately.
I came across your blog as I was searching for the poem "Eloisa to Abelard." Your May 2nd post especially spoke to me; so I just wanted to let you know your writing is absolutely lovely, I do admire it.
I know I've mentioned that I suspected you had a sexy voice, Stairs. But after hearing that...you have just confirmed my suspicion. I'd even listen to you read the phone book your voice is that good!
You're such a reprobate.
By the way, semen's smell isn't necessarily displeasing. Some people even like to dab a little behind the ears for a fancy night out. But perhaps American and British semen are differently odored.
Wait a minute. I'd forgotten. They are. Definitely.
One theory would be diet. :)
What, differing levels of semen in their diet?
ksquare: True. Because the Brits are allowed to eat cake. Oh, shit. Wait. That's the French.
Matt: Semen is actually very Atkins.
After having experienced this vegetative alternative to the smell of sperm in places as varied as Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia and Grinnell, Iowa, I finally decided to look it up. So naturally I did a Google search, typing in the words, "tree smells like sperm"... and this site was the first to show.
Good, I'm glad I'm not the only one noticing. I too had lunch downwind of one today, but Americans ignore things that seem out of place (generalization, shoot me now). Nobody blinked an eye, but it was painfully obvious. I wanted to shout, "IT SMELLS OF SEX!"
Having spent the two most glorious days yet this season standing just upwind from a garden hedgerow of heady blossomed plantings I appreciated this post most genuinely. Lucky for me, as an american, the hedgerow was right in front of my face so I couldn't miss it. Shook me awake in all the right places. Thank you.
Better late than never. I guess there's a whole society of us who know this tree (and know it well) but are surrounded by people who refuse to admit it exists. My "first time" with the sperm tree was a tour of my neighbor's garden a couple of years ago. Because I can smell the tree in my house, I feel like I have to explain it if people come over. What would they think--my whole house smelling like sex! So glad I finally know the tree's name.
I feel such a relief finding info about sperm trees... here in california, every weekend, I pass by one of them, and some days it's seems there's someone coming at that right moment, such is the intensity of the "scent" .
I have fun only imagining if I brought "innocent" people to under this tree.
At last! We have a sperm tree outside our offices in Ealing and it is really disgusting. I am told by some of the guys here it should be technically known as a "Wank Tree" or "Come Tree". There are many in Hyde Park and it is quite disgusting.