grrr argh blech

A few months ago, my mood was one emotional rollercoaster of ups and downs following the difficult closure of a long term relationship some time before Christmas. That has settled, by and large, though there are latent issues about the whole thing that will probably emerge if (argh, when!) I next become seriously involved with someone. Things these days are relatively stable; I tend towards being content, if not cheerful outright, every time I wake up, and that's a nice feeling, but at the moment it's a fragile state of mind, easily dissolved by the end of each day by the repetitive stresses; work; phone calls; lethargy; lack of sleep; money; the future.

I feel upbeat on the whole, so this is no portrait of despair in the painting, but I am finding that the difference between being stressed and being in distress (and these events are mutually exclusive) is really quite significant in terms of how it affects me on a daily basis.

Breaking up caused acute distress; it was bugger-all-to-hell whilst it was going on, but those difficulties that I perceived in my new situation became manageable after a couple of months. Being stressed, on the other hand, I have found more tricky to entertain; it's a punishing and chronic state that I'm constantly aware of, and do try to heal actively, but the problem is that for as long as the causes of that stress are still extant, I remain susceptible to it if I'm not careful. Irritatingly potent at wearing me down, it leaves me empty, tired, even misanthropic, and all I really want to do is to get past it and feel that smiling at people isn't so tough a thing to do.

In other news, the sun is shining, and I've had ice cream - this smile is genuine.