Ego: June 2003 Archives

I found this test through him. I've been deemed a bit of a left-hemisphere thinker. I understand that this is more typical of women than it is of men. Ah well, many of the most brilliant minds I know are female, so this shouldn't be of particular concern to me. I'll try to swagger more when I walk.

Today was seminar day at the Institute where I work; as a ph.d. student, one is expected to present ones research, accomplishments, future plans and so on to all and sundry. It can be quite intense on the nerves, but it's out of the way now. I earned a distinction of sorts - in the form of a glass plaque engraved with our coat of arms and the title of the prize - but receiving it didn't feel good. I felt kind of wretched, in a fashion, guilty even; I simply don't like being singled out like that. It makes me feel like a con; I worked no harder than anyone else, certainly not enough to merit an accolade in any form. It's somewhat trivial a thing to be brought down by, perhaps even a little odd, and while I may feel different tomorrow, I feel pretty lousy about it right now... of course I'm grateful... stress makes us all a little funny; I am going to sleep very, very well tonight.

I know from experience that it isn't easy to deal with depression. Though I feel happy and fulfilled in my life, there are times when I inexplicably plunge into terrifying moments of tremendous upset. It crushes me. I know that I have suffered from depression, not, perhaps, as some very dear friends have, and while it is rare, what I feel is nevertheless real, intense, and it scares me. Yet it can never be rationalised. Eventually it subsides, and even then I can never pinpoint what caused it. And every time, I am grateful for not having done something to hurt myself. We're complex beings; if you don't know what it is that makes you feel this way, just realise that it is the same for many, many people. It's not unusual. Just promise yourself that you will come through it, each and every time. Better to endure than to disappear.

My dearest friend, if you don't mind I'd like to join you by your side Where we can gaze into the stars and sit together, now and forever For it is plain as anyone can see We're simply meant to be

Elfman has an ear for beauty. Be happy, Sue, stranger or friend, we're all alike underneath our skins.