Ego: March 2004 Archives

Back in the lab again this morning; it's not a bad place to be on a Sunday, given the relative quiet, with only the whirr of odd pieces of equipment to distract me. All the same, I would rather be elsewhere, but it's my last chance to get an important experiment done before I head for a conference on Tuesday.

I miss relaxing; every waking moment seems these days dominated by the stresses and concerns of work, and to lose out on my weekends time and time again is so tiring. I'm still feeling unwell this morning, though nothing like I did last night; my temperature reached 39.8 C some time after ten, making it too difficult to concentrate, so I set my work aside, wriggled into a jumper and climbed into bed, at which point I started shivering violently. The shakes lasted almost until midnight; it was a wretched feeling, lying there in the dark in the foetal position, unable to get comfortable and unable to fall asleep.

The last time I ever felt as bad as this, I had someone there to look after me, to drive me loopy with attentiveness, love and kindly pampering, but I denied myself that luxury when I broke up with him. My sense of frailty and weakness during the long night was humbling, and being too delirious to make the distinction, I can't say whether the tears gliding down onto my pillow were borne of sorrow, or simply the devious work of the fever. Last night was the loneliest I've felt in a very long time.

I know that I put myself here; my hand shaping my Universe as always. Sometimes it hurts, but it was my move to make, and for the greater part, I feel content being alone right now; we get on, me and I, and it'll do until I feel ready to become vulnerable again.